Vulnerability. It is hard. I become this smiling, guarded person without knowing it. Who am I really when the curtain goes down, when the door closes for the day, when I feel alone?
I woke up this morning (Saturday) and my heart felt like it was bleeding. I felt so far from my God, my love. In the journey, how can I feel like a saint one day and a crying coward the next? Like running… how can my legs feel alive and free one day, and on the next, it’s a struggle to go ten steps?
Day by day, I am praying to understand the battle between truth and the way I feel. I cannot depend on feelings. This morning I felt like not getting out of bed, that seeing a new day wasn’t worth it. It’s ridiculous and crazy. I have been truly blessed with health, with a summer in Spain, with incredible friendships and family, and countless other blessings. Satan is on the prowl to steal, kill, and destroy. Any gap He can capture in how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our perspectives, He wants to distort. I have to choose to see things a different way.
Gosh, I am weak. It makes me sick sometimes when I think how my Haley-view goes up and down and all over the place. Life isn’t easy. Jesus is my only answer to these things because I don’t know any other way. When I take my eyes off of Him to try to please someone else or make Haley try to be significant, I always come back to Him being the only answer.
If I write these letters to you, painting an easy, happy-faced walk with Christ all the time, I am like this song. No, I want with all of me, to be real for you. I want you to know that I hurt, that I struggle, that I get confused on how “to do” this life. I am continuing to learn that Jesus is my only hope.
It’s a long road and a beautiful journey. It is a rags to riches story. I have many rags still dragging behind me as I walk, but little by little Jesus is teaching me, purifying me, refining me through fires. Will I choose to see them as impossible and want an easy way out? Or will I beg Jesus to make me a lion chaser, a confident and strong warrior for Him, seeing the beautiful flames that are changing me to be more like Him?
Oh, I pray that our feelings will not capture our attention! I pray that our insecurities will not take control. Jesus, we need you. Jesus, I need you. I cannot do this alone. Please tear down the walls that I put up so people will not see my brokenness. We are your children, and even in this broken world, we are free to shine with absolute life in you. May your light make the darkness flee. Help me to tell others my story, my real heart, so that You will be glorified. Praise to you, the King! Please give us your help. Turn our hearts from feelings to your truth.
“Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant. With just a Sling and a stone. Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors, shaking in their armor. Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again, ‘Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win.’
But the voice of truth tells me a different story. And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says ‘This is for My glory.’ Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.” By Casting Crowns
“I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you, and so that my fame might be spread throughout the earth.” Romans 9:17
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