Vulnerability. It is hard. I become this smiling, guarded person without knowing it. Who am I really when the curtain goes down, when the door closes for the day, when I feel alone?
I woke up this morning (Saturday) and my heart felt like it was bleeding. I felt so far from my God, my love. In the journey, how can I feel like a saint one day and a crying coward the next? Like running… how can my legs feel alive and free one day, and on the next, it’s a struggle to go ten steps?
Day by day, I am praying to understand the battle between truth and the way I feel. I cannot depend on feelings. This morning I felt like not getting out of bed, that seeing a new day wasn’t worth it. It’s ridiculous and crazy. I have been truly blessed with health, with a summer in Spain, with incredible friendships and family, and countless other blessings. Satan is on the prowl to steal, kill, and destroy. Any gap He can capture in how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our perspectives, He wants to distort. I have to choose to see things a different way.
Gosh, I am weak. It makes me sick sometimes when I think how my Haley-view goes up and down and all over the place. Life isn’t easy. Jesus is my only answer to these things because I don’t know any other way. When I take my eyes off of Him to try to please someone else or make Haley try to be significant, I always come back to Him being the only answer.
If I write these letters to you, painting an easy, happy-faced walk with Christ all the time, I am like this song. No, I want with all of me, to be real for you. I want you to know that I hurt, that I struggle, that I get confused on how “to do” this life. I am continuing to learn that Jesus is my only hope.
It’s a long road and a beautiful journey. It is a rags to riches story. I have many rags still dragging behind me as I walk, but little by little Jesus is teaching me, purifying me, refining me through fires. Will I choose to see them as impossible and want an easy way out? Or will I beg Jesus to make me a lion chaser, a confident and strong warrior for Him, seeing the beautiful flames that are changing me to be more like Him?
Oh, I pray that our feelings will not capture our attention! I pray that our insecurities will not take control. Jesus, we need you. Jesus, I need you. I cannot do this alone. Please tear down the walls that I put up so people will not see my brokenness. We are your children, and even in this broken world, we are free to shine with absolute life in you. May your light make the darkness flee. Help me to tell others my story, my real heart, so that You will be glorified. Praise to you, the King! Please give us your help. Turn our hearts from feelings to your truth.
“Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant. With just a Sling and a stone. Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors, shaking in their armor. Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. The giant keeps on telling me, time and time again, ‘Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win.’
But the voice of truth tells me a different story. And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!" And the voice of truth says ‘This is for My glory.’ Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.” By Casting Crowns
“I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you, and so that my fame might be spread throughout the earth.” Romans 9:17
Indelible... it means permanent. Impossible to remove, erase, or wash away. Unable to be forgotten. Incapable of being removed. Indestructible. Unerasable. Ineradicable. Lasting. Enduring. Ingrained. 
Absolute beauty. I got to take this picture on the trail where I’ve been running in the mornings. Summer is beautiful, especially the green grass against the sky! I want to share another beautiful something with you too…
Today’s Wednesday. That means group devotional started the day. It’s my lunch time and my heart’s bursting with excitement and joy to tell you guys some awesome things.
Michael taught this morning about God being a god of rules. God is legal. Because He is legal and just (even though He is all loving), He will not erase His standards. We started by looking at the Ten Commandments, the Law of God (Exodus 20, Deut. 5).
Here is where the amazing news comes in. It’s incredible, guys. :)
God gives us His law, knowing that we will never be able to keep it. We miss the point when we make Christianity into a code of rules and duties to follow. He knows we cannot keep them, no matter how much we try.
“For all have sinned and fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Romans 3:23
“No one can ever be made right in God’s sight by doing what His law commands. For the more we know God’s law, the clearer it becomes that we aren’t obeying it.” Romans 3:20
There was only one person who could keep the Law that God set for us. It was Jesus. Our failures at being able to keep the rules and standards point to Him. The points of the law show us the character of God. Michael talked about the law not being a list of social boundaries, but rather a means of showing us who God is and what He is like.
When Christ died on the cross, He gave us the free gift of grace to live in His Spirit. This means that when we believe in Him, His Spirit/His character (the same character that fulfilled the Law) comes to live inside of us. Through Christ, we are able to live out His character. He becomes our strength. He becomes our peace, joy, freedom, and life. Our eyes become opened to see life in a new way.
The commands of the Law move from being duties to delights. God will not demand His way on us. He longs for us to know Him, find life in Him, and be delighted in getting to know Him more. God wants us to delight in following His character. He knows that it will bring us the most life and freedom. There is a huge difference between rules and relationship. God wants relationship. Jesus is the answer. He fulfilled the Law and made us free.
That is incredible news! Because of Jesus, I am changed internally (supernaturally), so that Christ’s nature/character can be lived out through me. The King of Love wants to manifest Himself through me, through you, through anyone who will come to know Him.
Where the Spirit is, there is freedom! I pray that our generation will wake up to see the Bible and Jesus in a fresh new way. The Bible is not a coded list of rules. It is such freedom and life. All the rules show God’s nature, displayed in the flesh by Jesus. They point to the fact that we couldn’t uphold them. That Jesus could. And that He came to die so that our legal and just God would punish Him for our sin instead. Not only did He take what we deserved, BUT THEN He gave us His character and life to live inside of us. Through Him living in us, God is brought glory. Through Jesus fulfilling God’s law, God is brought glory.
It’s an amazing dance of love. Jesus longs to bring the Father glory, and God the Father longs for our best. He knows that our best comes when we are glorifying Him. We are able to glorify Him through Jesus living in us.
The perfect picture is the Trinity. None of the three (Father, Son, Spirit) ever look at themselves. They are sold out for the good of the others. It is a dance. The attitude/character of Christ is laying down His all, for the good of others.
Jesus got no self-gratification by dying for us. He didn’t need us in the first place. God has never needed us to glorify Him. He wants us to, for our benefit. Jesus died for our benefit!
God invites us to lay down ourselves, follow Him, and join the dance. Only through Jesus was the law fulfilled. Only through Jesus can we come into knowing God. Jesus is the answer. He is the purpose. The point of the Law was to point to Him. Praise to the Almighty King of Love that God sent His son to not only save me, but to also invite me into the incredible dance of being made new in His character. It is the most beautiful thing I can ever explain.
"We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success comes from God. He is the one who has enabled us to represent His new covenant. This is a covenant, not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old way ends in death. In the new way, the Holy Spirit gives life." 2nd Corinthians 3:4-6
"Since this new covenant gives us such confidence, we can be very bold...But the people whose minds are hardened, even to this day, whenever the old covenant (the Law of God- the rules) is being read, a veil covers their minds so they cannot understand the truth. And this veil can be removed only by believing in Christ. Whenever anyone turns to the Lord, then the veil is taken away. The Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, He gives freedom. And all believers have had that veil removed so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and reflect His glory even more." 2nd Corinthians 3:12,14,16-18
I go up and down, and up and down. My Haley ride is like a roller coaster. It makes me dizzy, confused, topsy turvy, and sick. When I try to control this wild ride of life, my wheels squeak and try to pull off the tracks. Ya’ll, Jesus is the only thing I know that can gently put reigns on my plans, steer them back into His own, and lovingly lead me in a controlled journey through the peaks and valleys.
Life in Spain is truly amazing and such a journey. By journey, I mean that I am learning so much through the up/down "hiking" of life. I can feel close to God, high on Him/high on Life, in a moment. Then, in the next, I feel the slanting down into another lull. Life will naturally bring ups and downs; however, there are also times that my distrust throws dips into the path.
When I look at my world, my circumstances, my feelings, what’s going on around me, and if things are going the way I think they should... my eyes get distracted. I fall into living for my Haley Kingdom. My attention and focus falls on... How can I get people to approve of me? How can I be happier about the way I look? How can I be most successful? Anytime my gain is at the center, I am looking for significance from an unpromising source.
The end of the day is approaching here. I have been feeling the tension of my heart’s up and down struggle. Jesus never promised this life would be easy. However, He promised He would always be there to walk with us through it. When I get insecure, and half of my wheels are dangling off the tracks, He's still there. Despite how I feel in any moment, the Bible states unchanging truths about who we really are in God's eyes.
The separated and alone feelings I have are not reality. Christ died so that sin (separation from God) would lose its power in our lives. We are set free to share His new life. (Romans 6:4-8) “You, who are God’s children… you are strong with God’s word living in your hearts, and you have won the battle with Satan.” 1st John 2:14
Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy. That is his nature. He cannot deny himself. It is what He does. The arrows of attack are flying. There is a battle going on. This is why it is important to remember what He says is true vs. what Satan wants us to feel, the world wants us to feel, our insecurities make us feel.
God promises to fight for us. “The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But, the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Romans 8:26-27
God will teach us through the ups and downs. Oh guys, I don’t like being in this place of falling into focusing on myself, my life, my benefit. It makes me sick. I pray that He will humble me and open my eyes to focus only on Him. He says to us, His children: “I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you, and so that my fame might be spread throughout the earth.” Romans 9:17.
How deeply I want to be used by Him as a vessel that can carry His love to others and to the world. One of my favorite lines from a song says… “How can I further your Kingdom when I’m so wrapped up in mine?” (Mercy Me). This is the prayer of my heart tonight.
As the Lord is softening me so I can be molded and refined, I am encouraged by this… “We can rejoice when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us. They help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us. Character produces the habit of joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.
When we were utterly hopeless, Christ came and died for us as sinners. God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of His son while we were still His enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by His life. So now we can rejoice in wonderful relationship with God, all because of what Jesus did on the cross, so that we can be friends of God.” Romans 5:3-6,8,10-11
A blessing and a truth to stand on in the day-to-day and always...
“I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is filled with joy, and my mouth shouts His praises! My body rests in hope. He has shown me the way of life, and He will give me wonderful joy in His presence." Acts 2:25-26,28
Unlike anything I've seen! An estimated 500,000 people gathered in Madrid to watch the World Cup Championship. Insanely crazy and an amazing experience! It blew my mind that that many people flooded into the streets to see the game. Javi (my brother and intern sidekick for the summer) and I got to join the excitement that turned into victory. It was a sweaty day of smiles, laughs, Spanish culture, enthusiasm, and pumping adrenaline for Spain. Incredible to say the least! :) 
In the beginning (after creation) Adam, Eve, and God were in the Garden of Eden together. There were in direct relationship. A dance. There was freedom. It was paradise. God met all of their needs, and they joyfully lived in relationship with Him. This direct connection and RELATIONSHIP with God is what we were made for.
When Adam and Eve went against God and ate the wrong fruit, they created a separation. Their choice was made INDEPENDENTLY from God. Sin created a huge divide. God, who is perfect love and goodness, could have no contact with sin. The gap stood wide and everyone (you and me and all of creation following) was born on the sin side of the divide.
No effort, no good deeds, no trying hard enough could ever get us to God. It would be like running and trying to jump across the Grand Canyon. It is impossible. It will always be impossible. We will always fall short and down into death.
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
The Bible tells us the many things we need to do to live according to God’s will. However, God knows that nothing we do will ever work. He knows it is impossible. When we look at the Bible as a list of rules, it is missing the point. God shows us what we have to do, the people we have to be. But because it is completely impossible for anyone to ever measure up or do it perfectly, He sent His Beloved son, Jesus, to do it for us. Jesus lived the perfect life we never could. He died a death that we deserved so we wouldn’t have to. He rose to life to proclaim victory for us. It was the most selfless gift that none of us could ever deserve. “It is finished.” It is GRACE. Grace is God giving us something we do not deserve. God’s mercy is His choice to hold back what we do deserve.
Jesus came to bridge the gap. There is no other way to God but through Him. When we look at our sin and the destiny of death without Jesus, it gives the cross extreme importance.
Because we were born into sin (because of the fall of Adam), it is our nature to sin. It is what we do.
“When Adam sinned, sin entered the entire human race. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned.” Romans 5:12
“For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but we have the free gift of being accepted by God, even though we are guilty of many sins. The sin of one man, Adam, caused death to rule over us. But, all who receive God’s wonderful, gracious gift will live in triumph over sin/death through life in Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:16-17
Sin no longer has power over us.
“Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, and with Him we may also have new lives. Our old sinful selves were crucified on the cross with Christ so that sin would lose its power over our lives.” Romans 6: 4,6
We are set free from the power of sin. We are free to share in Christ’s new life, only because of grace. We have been given new lives of freedom.
“Sin is no longer your master, you are free by God’s grace.” Romans 6:14
“Christ has truly set us free.” Galatians 5:1
“You are called into this freedom, not to satisfy your old sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13
There is a battle going on. In every moment, the choice is up to us. We are new creations, alive in Christ. However, we still have the choice to draw life from the Spirit inside of us or try to muster it out of ourselves. In each moment, it is our decision to choose to live by truth or by how we feel.
God has given us every spiritual blessing we need to live according to Him. It’s so important that we know God’s truths and have them in our hearts, so that we may be able to discern between God’s will vs. how we feel in each moment.
“May the God of peace equip you with every good thing for doing His will.” Hebrews 13:21
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the children of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2nd Timothy 3:16-17
Feelings will take us on a rollercoaster. Word Picture: We are eagles, but sometimes we might feel like turkeys. We can choose to live how we feel, staying on the ground, flapping hard but getting nowhere. Or, we can choose to remember our identity in Christ. He has made us eagles. No matter how we feel, we are eagles that can soar, without wing flapping. God is our wind and our strength. He doesn’t need our effort, trying, or flapping. When we live like the eagles we are, He is willing and eager to soar us to incredible heights.
The Spirit inside of us is our new identity.
What is the character of the One inside our hearts? The Fruits of the Spirit.
“When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23
When our lives are not producing fruit, it is an indicator that we are not drawing life from the Spirit. Instead of praying for patience (or any other character quality of Christ), all we have to do is tap the source. Patience is in us. He is in us. Our new identity is tied to Christ. In each moment, may we be aware that Christ’s life is alive inside of us. It is our strength to battle against the roller coaster of lies and insecurities we feel.
We must be awake and aware to realize the battle going on.
“It seems to be that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart, but there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 7: 21-22, 25
Satan will use our feelings and emotions to distract us and make reality seem like what we feel. God has already proclaimed victory though. We can choose to live above the line, remembering what Jesus says is true vs. what feels/seems to be true in the day-to-day.
We choose minute-by-minute (whether knowing it or not) between death and life. There is no in between.
“If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace.” Romans 8:6
Sin no longer has control of you. Your identity comes from the Spirit inside of you.
“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. Just as He raised Christ from the dead, He will give life to your mortal body by this same Spirit that lives inside of you.” Romans 8:11
Will we believe this in the day-to-day journey? Jesus is for us. He will never forsake us. He will never trick us, deceive us, manipulate us, or hope for us to fall. May we know Him for who He truly is.
“He is the one who died for us and was raised to life for us and is sitting at the place of highest honor next to God, pleading for us.” Romans 8:34
“Am I convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
We don’t have to go it alone. God gives us the Spirit inside of us to help us, to hold us, to be our life/strength. May we remember that doing life independently is impossible. That is what led to Adam and Eve’s fall. May we dependently tap the life and strength that God has put inside us through His grace.
“The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father, who knows all hearts, knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Romans 8:26-27
